


Walking Away

by AlexandriaArlene



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Goodbyes, Heartache, Hurt, Hurts So Good, Kissing, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-03-21 15:18:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3697136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexandriaArlene/pseuds/AlexandriaArlene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you are in love with the last person that you know that you shouldn’t. When you think the person you love is dead it complicates things when you find out that they are alive. When you know that it will end with you having to walk away but you can’t.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Walking Away

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DreamersEclipse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamersEclipse/gifts).



*Start Story*

As the rain fell with each drop it seemed to make it go heavier and heavier by the minute. I stood in front of Loki. Someone I believed to be dead for the last 8 months. When I found out that he was dead it had killed me. I thought that he was dead. I kept trying to figure it out. Thor said that he was dead. He said that he was killed with honor but seeing him now I knew that wasn’t true. He was standing before me and he wasn’t dead.

“I thought that you were dead.” I managed to get out. He stood in front of me on a mountain. Why he saved me from being killed I don’t know. I know that he didn’t love me because if he had he would have never have let me think that he was dead. He let me feel that pain.

“Let’s just say the rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.” Loki replied. I heard the anger through his voice and the pain that was in his eyes. It was confusing because he chose where we stand. He chose to want to become Odin. He chose to go after his hatred instead of choosing my choice of loving him. He made me love him and there wasn’t really anything that I could do about it. It didn’t matter what I said the hatred will always be more than what I can give him.

“Why Loki?” I asked. I couldn’t let him know that this bothered me or even that I missed him. I couldn’t let him break my heart again. Even though I was pretty sure that the moment that I looked him in the eyes that it broke my heart that he lied. He just kept lying and it wasn’t going to stop. He let Thor watch him die so he could win. I looked into his green eyes and I could feel myself falling for him all over again. I mentally wanted to punch myself for allowing it to happen.

“You wouldn’t understand.” Loki replied. I never told him about how my father treated me. As far as he was concerned my father was a rich man that gave me everything that I wanted. Never mind the fact that he sent me to boarding school and didn’t know anything about me. I was raised my maids. I was just something that he possessed and not his son. He didn’t know a single thing about me. He continued to neglect me without giving a care about who I was.

“I understand perfectly what it’s like to have a bullshit father. I know what it’s like to live in someone else’s shadow.” I shouted at him. Every word I said I felt as the rain fell into my mouth. I felt his shocked gaze on me as images of my father flashed through my head. He had cared more about his work then he had ever cared about me. He cared more about being legendary then anything else. I felt the pain of my father’s neglecting come back to the surface. It’s what made me want all the attention that I got from the media all over again.

“How? Your father.” Loki said. I didn’t need him to know. I just wanted to figure out why he was doing all of this. Why he was in Odin’s place. Why he was doing this but I already knew the answer to those questions. What I really wanted to know why wasn’t I good enough for him to say I love you. But then I never said it to him so what reason did he have to say it. When I thought that he was dead. It haunted me. It made me feel like I would never be able to say those words but now he was standing before me. I couldn’t say the words right now not when I knew that it would be in anger.

“That doesn’t matter. What is happening has nothing to do with my father. My father will always have been my father. Now why did you fake your own death?” I said in exasperation. He made things difficult. I didn’t want to talk about my father I wanted to talk about him and how he could do this to me. How he could let me go on believing he was dead.

“Because it was the only way that I would get control of Asgard. It was the only way that I could be worthy of it. That I deserved to rule Asgard just as much as Thor.” Loki replied. I didn’t care who ruled Asgard. I just wished that if he was going to come here save me then leave again then he should have just stayed out of it period. I could have handled it on my own and I wouldn’t have to be faced with the fact that it wouldn’t matter if I were the one to try and stop him. 

“What do you want then?” I yelled. I was done going in circles. I just wanted him to tell me what he wanted from me by now. I was tired of hearing the different reasons to listen to him or why he was doing what he was doing. I was just done. I couldn’t keep going at this with him.

“I don’t know what I want now. I want you but I can’t not when I’ve chosen this path and you’ve chosen yours.” Loki said. He gazed down to his feet. I couldn’t believe that he said that. I hadn’t chosen this path that we were on. I’ve spent the last 8 months just trying to move on with him. I hadn’t done anything that he had a right to be angry about.

“The path that I’ve chosen.” I replied. He had no right to even imply that it was my fault that we were in this situation was angering me in a way that I’ve never felt. I didn’t do this to us. He did when he decided that he would rather pose as Odin then come back to him.

“You chose to be with Pepper not even a month after you found out that I was dead. I live a long time but I’ve been away from you for 8 months and I didn’t even think about kissing anybody else.” Loki replied. He also wasn’t me. I was just trying to move on. I just wanted to feel something other than the pain that I was going through. I didn’t do it because I didn’t love Pepper in the same way. Pepper was always going to be in my life no matter what. She had been there for me every time that I needed her. I just didn’t love Pepper in the way that I wish I had. It would be a lot easier then loving Loki.

“I can’t believe you. You pretend that you were dead and then you judge me on what I did after I found out that you were dead. WOW.” I yelled at him. I just wanted to kiss him and make all the anger and misery disappear into the passion that I felt when I was kissing him. I just wanted him but that would only ever ended with my heart 10 feet into the ground.

“DO YOU LOVE HER?” Loki replied. I could hear the anger and pain in his voice to know that he was affected by what he had done. I forced myself not to tell him ‘no I am in love with you and that will never change no matter how much I want to.

“No.” I said making my voice as small as a whisper. I didn’t want to lie to him but I also didn’t like the truth. I wish that I loved Pepper with everything I had because then I wouldn’t still be here. I wouldn’t still be talking to him as if I’ve done something wrong if I didn’t love him. I just wanted to go already but I also knew that if I walked away that there was a good chance that I wouldn’t see him in this form ever again.

“I love you.” The words came out slow but meaningful. I walked towards him so we were standing inches apart. I wasn’t going to kiss him and I couldn’t say those words not when I knew that they wouldn’t change his mind. He had to do this. Not only to prove to Odin that he is good enough but to also prove to himself that he is. 

“I can’t say it back and not because it isn’t true but because I know that if I saw those words that you are still going to walk away and I’m not ready to know for a fact that telling I love you isn’t good enough to keep you from continuing this thing with Thor and Odin.” I replied. I watched for his reaction and I knew that I was right. I knew that he saw what he needed. I just wanted to kiss him. Even in this moment when what I was feeling was mainly anger towards him. All I want and I need is things to be different. I just wanted it so Thor and Odin didn’t matter. I just wanted Loki but that was something that could never be.

“I know. I hate that I’m like this that I have this baggage and that no matter what I can’t walk away from doing this. I came to see you because through everything I miss you. I just wanted to see you one last time. One last time before I go and do this. Before I allow myself to be in an old man’s body for the rest of my life. I didn’t come here because I thought I was making a mistake. I came here because I needed to see the one thing that was going to make me regret this in the end. I will always love you but I will never be able to be with you.” Loki said as I listened to him. I wish I could tell him that I’d be there in the end but to be honest I didn’t know when this would end.

I pulled him towards me and let my lips touch him. I had my hand on the back of his neck. It felt like every part of me was on fire for Loki. It felt like once this ended there would be nothing left of me. I didn’t want him to pull away from me not ever. I held him there and licked his bottom lip asking for entrance. Once he allowed me what I wanted we both let each other tongues roam each other’s mouths. I was the first to pull away from him. I looked into his green eyes and saw that this was the man that I would forever love. I knew that if I was going to say those three words that would forever change me. My forehead was still on his.

“I love you too. I will always love you but I can’t be a part of this. I can’t wait around while you and Thor are fighting. I have to try to forget. I won’t tell Thor any of this because as soon as I do I know that he will come after you so fast that it won’t even be funny.” I said. I let go of his neck and walked away. I knew that if we were ever to be together it would be a long time before we could be together. I walked away knowing it could be never. I just hoped that Loki wouldn’t die because of everything that he has done.

As far as Pepper I knew now that I couldn’t be with her in the way that she wanted me to be. I knew that I had to tell her that the only thing that I could give her is friendship. I didn’t have anything else left. I didn’t mind sleeping with women but I couldn’t do a relationship not after what had happened with Loki tonight. I needed to be with other women because it was the only way that I could ever forget any of this. I needed to forget Loki. I just couldn’t stop feeling this way about Loki and that’s when I realized that it confirmed that I was still in love with Loki.


End file.
